Life's Journey

It's been a long week of tough decisions… I can't believe it's Monday already. Thought it was time to fill everyone in… here are the decisions that have been made…

Last week I had my appointment with Dr Gordon (experimental doc) and we discussed a potential clinical trial. The catch is that this is a brand spankin new trial so they have no idea what to expect. Unfortunately, I need to really get some results fast from treatment. We need to shrink what has grown and try to keep it there… now! So, his suggestion was the combination treatment - start with something more standard that will hopefully give us quick results and let this trial get a little off the ground. Once they get the trial up and running they will have some idea of how it will work and if it might work for me.

Then I had the MUGA scan - this is the heart test. In my meeting with Dr. Borst on Wednesday I found out that my heart is good - I passed the scan. Whew - something came back in "normal" ranges. My meeting with Dr. Borst went well. He explained that Doxil (which is the super scary chemo) is my best option at this point. He and Michele tried to convince me that many patients "take the Doxil pretty well" and "get results". Ok, they got me at "get results". That's what matters most - results! The rest of it is up to me and how I handle the side effects of this super scary crappy chemo. Michele, Roy and I talked through the side effects. They all sound very familiar - nausea, hair loss, etc… it's pretty much the same side effects, just possibly intesified. And there are a few extras like hand foot disease and blisters from sun exposure… I mean, lets be honest, these are pretty big ones. I'm supposed to watch for redness, swelling, irritation, blisters on my hands and feet oh and I need to stay out of the sun 2 days before and 3 days after getting this treatment. Whoa - that's part of the "scary" of this one. But, in the end, if I get results who cares about the rest of this crap?

We decided to move forward with the Doxil. I'm starting it, gulp, tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to it, but hopefully the first one won't be too bad. Fingers crossed! Mom is going to pick me up in the morning and spend the day with me in treatment. We are going to go ahead and do the super pain shot on Wednesday because there's a strong chance my counts will drop. So this is going to be a rough couple of weeks. But, I have put on my big girl panties and I'm going to deal with it. What I realized last week is something that has been drilled into me throughout this process… I can't control everything that's happening here - but what I can control is how I deal with it all. I know I've talked about this in many other postings, but I have to explain again. I do this because even though I'm "in it" and I'm "living it", I still find it's easy to forget this lesson, it's something I have to remind myself of so I thought I'd remind you all as well. It's so easy to lose sight of what's important when you are engulfed in emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, bitterness, etc. Whether its work, friends, loved ones, spouses, kids, school, or just life in general that is causing this emotional upheaval I beg you to step back breathe and remember - you can't control everything, but what you can control is your reaction. And let me tell you, your reaction will make all the difference. You get to choose if you want to let these things continue to eat away at you or step back, breathe, recognize the problem, and find a solution. Ya know what, there are some things, like my current situation, that you can't find a solution for… but what I can do is choose to keep searching. I choose to fight. I choose to enjoy all the good things. I choose to let the little good things make a big difference in my world. I choose to smile and be happy. I choose to try not to let the day to day frustrations (like traffic, or the slow check out girl at the grocery store, or the person that stops in the middle of a walkway, or the bad weather, or whatever it is) get me down. There are way too many ways to divert these things or to make the best of them. Choose to do that instead. Find the silver lining, look for the good - or even better - BE THE GOOD! Remember that your choices, your decisions, are the things you CAN control. I cannot stress enough what a life changer this can be. And, believe me, I'm no where near perfect at this - which is probably why I have to keep reminding myself of this lesson, but I try damn hard! I recognize that it's not always sunshine and rainbows, sometimes you need to feel sad and cry or be angry and shout, but the point is to not allow these times to overwhelm you. Enjoy life, don't waste it.

Ok, stepping off my soapbox :). I made some tough decisions last week and now it's time to see them through. But, Roy and I decided we would take the weekend and runaway from it all. We couldn’t have done this without the help of some angels. We just got back from Calistoga Wine Country in California. It was the perfect escape. We left on Friday and met our friends at the airport - these angels set up our flights, hotel, dinner, and let us use their car for the weekend. We had a fantastic dinner on the water and spent the first night at our friends house. The next day we enjoyed breakfast together before heading out to the wine country. We visited several wineries this trip: V.Sattui was our first stop and favorite of the trip, the next fav was Castello Di Amorosa, then Vermeil, Markham, Duckhorn, Frank Family, and Trinchero. We also had some great food. A local recommended Auberge Du Soliel for lunch and it was perfect. It sits up on Rutherford Hill and has amazing views of Napa Valley. Then, thanks to our angels, we had a great dinner in Calistoga at Brannans. We enjoyed many new wines, great food, and more than anything we enjoyed being together, relaxing and just escaping our reality for a few days. My dad lives in the Bay Area so I called him and he met us for lunch at the Culinary Institute on Sunday. We had a nice visit, I don't get to see him very often so I was glad he made the drive out for the afternoon. Later that day Roy and I treated ourselves to a massage. I'm a little limited on how much of a massage I can get because of all my kidney crap - and I have an amazing massage therapist that I see fairly regularly so it's not often that I treat myself outside of that - but this weekend called for it and we both had drool stains and pillow face when we left. It was a great weekend and I am forever grateful to my friends/angels for doing this for us - the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Coming back to reality was tough, but it is what it is and it's time to fight. Hopefully this treatment has the results we are looking for without too many of the tough side effects. I will arm myself with vitamins, juicing, healthy foods, and all the precautions I need to take to prevent some of the side effects. I will continue to fight as hard and as long as I can. I have decided that while this situation sucks, I will choose to face it head on. I decided that I will be grateful for today. I decided that I am lucky to have all of you here holding my hand. I have decided that I will not take any of this for granted.

Sending hugs and smiles.