Life's Journey

I'm quickly realizing that a "lighter version" of chemo is still chemo. I had this little dream in my head that pulling back on the chemo drugs was going to make me feel a ton better but in reality I feel pretty much the same. I mentioned in my last post that the side effects are a little subdued compared to the bigger treatment which is still a little true, but chemo is chemo no matter how you get it. I didn't write a post last week for a few reasons. First, I just felt crummy. Last week was the third week of the new treatments and it hit me harder than I was expecting. I also had to get a Neulasta shot last Tuesday. Neulasta is like a super strong version of Neupogen. Geez all these big N words that really don't make any sense. Let me try to make sense of it, before this new treatment plan I was getting Neupogen (aka bone pain shots) for three consecutive days after chemo pretty much every week toward the end (which btw is part of why we changed the chemo regimen). The shots are given to help boost my white blood cell count (my immune system) by amping up the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells (this is why my bones hurt). On this new treatment plan I get the 4th week off (no chemo) which means we are able to do the super version of this shot, Neulasta. Here's the thing, the super version sucks big time. There were a few days that just lifting a pen hurt. They always tell me "not everyone gets the pain, maybe you'll get lucky" - ha! I never get lucky with these shots, I get a lot of pain. Needless to say between the build-up of weekly chemo for three weeks and the super shot on top of it last week was not one of my better weeks. As always, I put on my big girl panties and got through it. Phew.

The other reason for my lack of post was because I was busy with visitors. This was the highlight of the crummy week. Roy's mom, grandma, and aunt came to town to spend mother's day weekend with us and my mom. It was a nice weekend together. We had a barbeque, did some shopping, and took a dip in the pool. And I've made progress on my T-shirt quilt thanks to Aunt Suzie. Maybe I haven't mentioned this project before? I was cleaning out my closet and drawers a few months ago and found a ton of old t-shirts I had stashed away. We all have em, the old concert shirts and charity event shirts even some that date back to high school that you just can't bring yourself to part with… but will never wear again. I had a stack of them. I started searching on Pintrest (which btw I am fully addicted to) for crafty ideas for old t-shirts. I found a ton of stuff but what really jumped out at me was a t-shirt quilt. I've come up with my pattern and finally started cutting last weekend. Ok, I'm not going to hide the fact that cutting up these treasured t-shirts that I've had all these years was super hard to do. But, I have a vision, a little push from Aunt Susie and I'm excited to create something with them that I will actually use rather than just leaving them in a stinky drawer. Yup, I said stinky drawer - lol - not that all my drawers stink, but you know that old musty smell when you don't wear stuff and it just sits in a wooden drawer for too long. Anyway, fist step to making a t-shirt quilt is to wash all the t-shirts in your favorite detergent so they smell amazing again. Now I'm a t-shirt cutting fool! I had never touched a sewing machine before last weekend. So Roy's grandma and aunt showed me the ropes of my borrowed machine. I'm armed and ready. As I make progress I'll post pics for you to see, this is my new art project for my creative outlet.

I must admit that I haven't been feeling great. While the weekend was a nice break and good visit I still wasn't fully myself. This week is my chemo free week which I thought I'd be jumping for joy and feeling good but it's more of a phew thank god no chemo cause I don't know how I'd do it. I'm zapped. Oh and guess what I woke up with Monday morning? If you guessed Pink Eye you win! Damn pink eye crap! I looked in the mirror and just sighed at my puffy red eye. At least the drops are working and it seems to be clearing up. Lately I've found that I don't like looking in the mirror much. I don't recognize myself anymore. Every week with chemo I get a bunch of IV steroids which have made me really puffy and gain a lot of unwanted weight. I was worried about losing a bunch of weight when - surprise - I gained it! Go figure. I also don't have much hair. I'm not completely bald, but what I do have is shorter than half an inch and mostly white or gray. Top that off with pink eye all the time and I'm not looking so hot. I really don't recognize my own reflection. Not feeling so great about myself in that regard lately, but trying to accept it.

While I admit that I am not feeling good I can also say that today is better than yesterday which means tomorrow will be even better than today… I'm in an upswing. For awhile I kept telling myself "tomorrow will be better" only to wake up and realize it was actually worse than the day before (thank you super shot for that one). So it's good to finally be feeling better each day at least for now. I was looking at the calendar and I am now almost 7 months into chemo this time around. I have had 21 rounds of chemo in 28 weeks. It's overwhelming to think of in that way, but it's my reality. I think that's how I've found a lot of my strength through all of this, just knowing and accepting that this is my reality. I don't get a choice in whether or not I have cancer. I just have it - it is what it is. But I do get a choice in how I deal with it. I choose to live life to the fullest and not take a second for granted. I choose to accept that this is my new reality, that my life has changed dramatically, but I'm not going to let it keep me from being the person I want to be. I choose to fight as hard and as long as I can because even though this new reality isn't awesome, it's mine and I am not ready to let it go. I choose to be happy, to smile, to enjoy all the little moments that make life good. I hope that I can inspire all of you to do the same. Smile, be happy, enjoy the little moments, live life! It's easy to get trapped in the stress of life: work, money, relationships, house, etc… but what really matters in the end is that your happy. You can let these stressful moments overtake you or you can stop, breath, smile, and know that it will all work out based on the choices you make. We all have our own realities that can bring us down, it's how you deal with them that makes a difference. That's your choice.

Sending hugs and smiles,

Sarah