Life's Journey

I was talking to a friend today who said “looks like you are feeling pretty good, I’ve been reading your blog”… I realized that I’ve been living in my little world of denial and only posting about the good fun stuff. I decided it’s time to get real again.

Yes, I’ve had a great time checking things off my bucket list and am so grateful to find the energy and the spirit to do these things… the reality is that I am really sick. I recently posted about my amazing trip to LA but what I didn’t write about was the bad lab results I got before the trip. I was supposed to have a big chemo treatment the Monday before I left for LA (1/28). I say “supposed to” because it didn’t happen. I was denied chemo because my WBC levels were too low. My immune system crashed once again. While there was a small piece of me that was glad I could go on this trip without the big chemo hangover there was a much bigger reality that this wasn’t good news. I had to miss another chemo, I had to give the damn cancer cells another week to reproduce, I had to deal with a crappy immune system. I also had to get 3 days of Neupogen shots before I left. The day of my flight I went to the doctors office first thing in the morning for my shot and then straight to the airport. I wasn’t going to let this ruin my trip which is when I think I decided to turn to denial. Pretend it wasn’t happening just for a little while. Go have fun with my friends and just enjoy living in the moment for a few days. The problem with denial is that it’s so hard to face reality again... but eventually you have to. This week reality totally smacked me in the face.

I went in for chemo the day after I got back from LA. Fingers and toes crossed that my levels went up and I was able to get treatment. Labs are the first thing we do, results showed good news/bad news. Good news: My labs the week before showed that my red blood cell count (RBC) and hemoglobin levels were really low and if they dropped any further we were going to have to talk about a blood transfusion – this week they went up – phew! No need to talk about that one anymore! Bad news: Turns out my immune system levels did not go up, in fact they had dropped a little more – the Neupogen shots didn’t boost them enough. My first question was if I did this to myself? Did my weekend of denial and pretending I wasn’t sick lead to lower levels? The answer is “no”. Unfortunately (and fortunately) there is nothing I can or can’t do to change these levels. This is going to happen no matter what I do. The decision was made to go ahead and give me treatment anyway. We can’t risk going another 2 week span without treatment. So I had my big chemo treatment on Monday 2/4. Michele (aka supernurse) warned me that I would crash this week and to be sure to rest.

She wasn’t kidding! “Crash” was an understatement. By Wednesday I was feeling pretty drained and quite a bit of nausea was breaking through my medication. Thursday I was a train wreck, I pretty much stayed under the covers all day and slept through as much of it as I could. Moving was a big effort. I can say I had no energy but that doesn’t even begin to describe it – it’s like every cell in my body went on strike and decided not to perform that day. I didn’t want to eat, watch tv, work, write, paint, nothing was appealing. So I did as little as possible to get through the day. Friday was better, I was starting to feel human again. And today is Saturday – Roy and I slept in and then went to our favorite breakfast spot together. It was nice to have a little normalcy in the day, but if I’m “getting real” I have to admit that I am still zapped.

Sleeping in has been a new trend this week, and I am not a fan. I am an early bird, I have learned to really love my mornings. Roy gets up early and is usually out the door to work between 7-7:30. So I get up early with him and would go down to the kitchen and make fresh squeezed juice and coffee. We had a chance to chat a little about our days before heading off to work. I always sent him off with a hug, a kiss, and an “I love you, have a great day”. Then I had a little time most mornings to watch the Today Show and enjoy my coffee before heading off to work myself. This was our routine, this is what we do. But this week I haven’t had the energy to get out of bed in the morning. I missed our routine. And the reality that this was going to happen and that things that I love to do are being stripped from me is a really hard one to accept. I know this seems like such a little thing, but it’s a tough one.

I’m facing a lot of these realities which made denial such an easy place to slip in to. I see families together with their kids and grandkids and tears well up in my eyes. I see older married couples holding hands or eating in a restaurant together and I have to hold back the tears. The reality that I don’t get to have these things is heart wrenching sometimes. And when I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed or up the stairs makes these things sting more than usual. It makes it seem more real than I want it to be. I find myself staring at Roy more than usual and I catch myself thinking how much I’m going to miss him. At least that’s what it feels like in the moment. I’m so lucky to have found such an amazing man to stand by me and hold my hand through all of this… but I hurt for him sometimes and I worry about him often.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I write this post. Stepping out of denial and getting real isn’t easy. But, sometimes I have to have these reality checks with myself. I’ve been sharing a lot of great fun times with everyone and I’m so glad my life is full of so many smiles and hugs. But, I thought it was time that I get real with all of you and share the behind closed doors moments as well. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, but those are the moments I live for!

Sending Hugs & Smiles,
Sarah