Life's Journey

I posted an update back in early November that I titled “It’s not always butterflies and rainbows” and I explained that some days it’s hard to find the silver lining. Today is one of those days. There’s nothing exceptionally different about today from yesterday or the day before that… but for some reason today I am stuck in a dark cloud. I generally avoid writing on these days, but today I feel like getting it out.

I find that I wrap myself in “busy”. These are the distractions that keep me from dwelling too much on the reality of my world right now. For the most part they are successful. I talk to friends and family, I work, I read, I watch funny things on tv and these things make me smile and forget. I try to live my life as though I don’t have cancer…. But every once in awhile, like today, I am overwhelmed with the reality. Honestly, I think it’s ok and probably healthy to have a reality check with myself. I can’t live in “busy” fantasy land all the time.

I have a binder that I’ve created for myself. In true form it is color coded, organized, and labeled with all of my stuff. It has my list of medications, business cards for my plethora of doctors, a daily tracker that I created to note when I took what, test results, lab work, and a calendar of events. I’ve distracted myself with this over the past few months because organizing something like this is weirdly enjoyable for me. I always loved getting a new trapper keeper for school when I was a kid! I got to organize, label, color code, and create a little world for myself inside of it. I know it’s kinda OCD sickness, but I love it. Oh, getting a new wallet – another great example. Getting to clean out my old wallet, spread my crap out on the table and then figure out the best places for everything in my new gem. Anyway, I found myself staring at this binder today and tears welled up in my eyes. I think it just hit me that this is my life now. A series of test results, appointments, and various doctors business cards.

I’m using my OCD calendar for medical and fun – mixing the two together… giving me something to look forward to. I’ve had a lot of amazing angels out there who are helping me live out my bucket list and I am unbelievably grateful. As I’m starting to plan these things I’m stretching into months ahead and I realize how scary that is for me now. How far out can I plan? How am I going to feel in 4 months? Crap, how am I going to feel tomorrow? It’s all unknown and while I’m trying to plan fun things to look forward to – I’m scared to set myself up for disappointment. While I knew all of this, somehow seeing it in front of me in my OCD color coded binder hit me in the face today. It’s little things like this that are somehow creating this dark cloud.

Part of this is probably caused because I’m tired. Just plain wiped. Trying to live life with cancer while pretending that you don’t is frankly exhausting! Go figure. I’m going out for dinner, meeting friends for drinks, going to events, running to appts, and working… really… that may even tire out a healthy person. So, this is what I’m attributing part of this dark cloud to. I also know that I have treatment tomorrow. Sigh. I know, I know… it’s a “small” one. But it’s no less daunting. This will be my first “small” treatment and while I assume that it will be way easier I don’t really know what to expect. One big lesson in all of this is to try not to set expectations when it comes to the beast. It always seems to do the unexpected just to piss me off.

I know this cloud will pass. Maybe in a day, maybe in an hour, maybe in a week. Sometimes it just feels good to let it out. All I can do is try to focus on the good parts of the day: When Ben looks at me with a snaggle toothed smile and cocks his head to the side as if to say “I love you”. When Roy comes home for his break to have lunch with me and give me a hug. When an old friend calls to say hi and catch up. These are the smiles in my day, these are the little rays of sunshine that break through the dark cloud. This isn’t an easy journey, it’s full of twists and turns, roadblocks, and clouds… all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Sending hugs and smiles,
Sarah