Life's Journey

Getting back to "normal" is tougher than I anticipated.  For three months my "normal" has consisted of daily doctors visits, poking, proding, poisons, pain, and nausea.  There's a part of me that was expecting an internal switch to be flipped and POOF I would be feeling like a million bucks all of the sudden when all of this stopped.  Uh...  not so much. 

Last week I had my blood tested again and I'm happy to report that things are going in the right direction.  I'm still not in the normal ranges (go figure) but I'm getting closer.  I need to continue to be careful about germs, stay away from crowds and coughing people, keep my distance from kids, and wash my hands often.  I'm getting tested again next week and am hopeful that I'll be back in the normal ranges by then.

My tummy is feeling a lot better.  I wouldn't call it normal yet either though.  My appetite is coming back and I'm stepping out of the box of bland foods - yay!  But, still have bouts of nausea and upset tummy. Michele gave me a pass to have sushi last week and I didn't wait a beat for that one Roy and I went out for sushi that night!  I'm not going to push my luck and try again until I'm in the normal ranges....  but it sure was good!  Yummy!

I'm back to work. It's sooooooo good to have some brain activity with a purpose and interactivity with my "work family".  I've missed everyone.  While I've jumped back into my office chair I realize that a lot has changed in the three months I've been away.  My core team is bigger and includes 2 new members.  The big projects I had on my plate have continued without me and my role handed off to other team members.  Even my role and responsibilities within the company have changed.  Don't get me wrong, none of these are bad things...  but I am having a hard time getting comfortable in my new office chair.  It all happened so fast.  All the projects that I put my blood sweat and tears into are still moving along or nearing completion without me.  I'm still trying to catch up and at the same time figure out where I "fit" in it all.  My team and company as a whole have been some of my biggest supporters throughout this journey.  They have allowed me to take the time I've needed to focus on my health and healing.  The new role I have stepped into is a promotion but it also allows me to load my calendar slowly and set my own deadlines for the next few months.  This is a good thing because I'm shocked by how tired I get throughout the day.  By 2:00 I'm ready for a nap   I'm grateful to work for a company that has been understanding through of all this and work with a team that has held my hand and been by my side through it all. 

Menopause sucks!  I don't know if the chemo and radiation were somehow masking some of the crappy menopause symptoms or if it just takes awhile for these to appear....  but either way they are here now and they really suck!  I've heard women bitch about hot flashes and wondered how it could really be that bad?  Geez, I get it, your hot - get over it!  Uh...  hot doesn't describe the rush that pours through your body during a flash.  For me, it starts at the back of my head - I'm actually thankful that I'm bald right now I can't imagine having hair added to this - it's a sudden radiating hotness that then runs down my neck and back.  It's an instant sweat.  You can't escape it and there's not much that relieves it, you just have to put on your big girl panties suck it up and wait for it to pass.  The kicker is that these flashes happen whenever they want - I can't find a rhyme or reason to any of it.  I'll be somewhere with Roy and say "damn it's hot in here" and he will just look at me and I realize it's not that it's "hot in here" it's that it's "hot in me"! Uck - I am not a fan...  and I think menopause is partially to blame for my next topic....

My emotions are suddenly all over the place.  I think I refused to deal with the emotional side of cancer over the past three months.  I had bigger things to focus on, I had to be strong, I had to survive... I wasn't going to allow my emotions to get in the way of any of this.  I couldn't be sad that I was diagnosed with cancer - there was no time for that - if I was sad how could I possibly be strong enough to pull through chemo and radiation treatments.  I wouldn't allow myself to be mad - that wasn't going to help anything...  I had to stay positive, strong, and focused...  all these emotions just f*%$ things up and I didn't have time for it.  The reality that I accepted is that I'm here, I've been put in this situation and I just have to deal with it.  I haven't had a choice in any of this. So, I had to determine the best way to get through it and that plan did not include allowing myself to be sad about it, no pity parties here, or mad about it, what's the point in that?  Now I'm through the treatment part of the journey and have ventured into the healing part and I find these emotions starting to surface.  I started finding that I was getting anxious and kind of what I would call PMSy inside - but I recognized it right away and was able to put to kabosh on that one - I won't have any of that...  mind over matter for me.  But the part I can't seem to get past is the rushes of reality that hit me when I least expect it.  I'm thinking that a lot of it has to do with the fact that at this point I don't know what my status is...  Did the chemo and radiation work?  Do I still have actively growing cancer cells in my body?  What are my next steps?  These questions sometimes lead me to kind of dark corners of my mind.  The "what ifs" start creeping in.  I don't want to face them, I don't even want to be thinking about them, but they somehow pop in my train of thought unexpectedly.  I'm a big believer in meditation and positive visualization.  I'm pretty sure I've talked about that before because these two techniques have gotten me through many tough days.  But when I find myself in those dark corners it's sometimes tough to get back out into the light.  It's like my positive visualizations get all muddled and gray and I'm trudging through sludge trying to get out of the dark.  Don't get me wrong I always manage to pull myself through it and get out of the dark corners pretty quick but the point is that I don't want to be there at all!  Nobody talks about this part of it...  no one can prepare you for the realm of emotions that you experience along your journey with cancer.  And sadly no one can understand it unless you've been there.  I guess it's just going to take time to work through it all.

I'm going to be completely honest - everything is different now, nothing has remained the same.  Nothing is normal.  Wait...  what is normal anyway?  Better question...  why would I want to be normal?

xoxo - Sarah