Life's Journey

Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror and wondering who this person is staring back at me. It can't be me? This woman looks sad. She seems as though she's seen some of the darkest shades of sadness in her life, you know those deep dark corners that no one should ever have to experience. This person looking back at me looks sick. Her eyes are pale with dark surroundings, she is tired. She appears malnourished and underweight. She looks as though she is complacent just being there. She is not smiling, she is not crying, she just is. Could this person really be me?

It's sometimes difficult to face this person in the mirror. She is the reality that I try to forget. Maybe forget is the wrong word… I try to overcome. I don't want to be this person looking back at me. I want to be strong, I want to be happy and healthy. But I recognize that unfortunately that is not my reality. So how do I deal with this?

I've written often about this but I figure it can't hurt to talk about again, and again it is applicable. I came to the realization some time ago that I don't get a choice in so many of the things that are happening in my life. I don't get to choose if I have cancer or not - I just do. I didn't get to choose to have this colostomy surgery - I had to in order to survive. What I do get to choose is how I deal with these crappy cards that are consistently dealt to me… and that, I believe, can make all the difference. I can choose to let these life challenges bring me down to a deep dark hole or I can choose to make the best of the situation I am in. Why would I want to focus on the negative with the limited time I have left? I choose to live each moment and be as happy as I possibly can. I choose to empower myself and check things off my bucket list. I choose to smile and laugh and love.

If I'm being completely honest with myself over the past few weeks it's been really hard to live up to my own goals. I don't feel like smiling or laughing, I feel like curling in a ball and crying. The recovery from this surgery is much much harder than I thought it would be. I mean I knew it was going to be life changing but I have recovered from some big surgeries before and this is completely different. Everything that goes into my body impacts my recovery. I've had so many ups and downs these past few weeks. I'm trying to learn what my new body can and can't handle. It really is a new body, it's all functioning different than before this surgery. This is a big deal, this was a big surgery, this is a big recovery.

So when I look at this reflection in the mirror, I sigh as I recognize that this is my reality… for now.

Sending hugs and smiles

Sarah