Life's Journey

So I have these days where the nausea over takes me. The other day it hit me and I had to ask Roy to pull over into an empty parking lot so I could jump out of the car and find myself keeled over throwing up. It's a horrible feeling and it comes out of nowhere. I am not a fan of this side effect. I've had this happen a few times and am hopeful it never happens again. My abdomen has felt bloated and constipated for a few days now. It's super uncomfortable. But there's not too much I can do. I'm taking laxatives and am just waiting. It's only two day so I'm not too worried yet but I am so uncomfortable. Hopefully I can clear up the problem soon.

We've had a lot of visitors this month. It's been nice to have family and friends in my home. I enjoy visiting with everyone. I just dropped our last guest at the airport, I came home and let my guard down again. Roy said "it's amazing the change in how you're feeling when family is here and when it's just us". What I realized is that I really am like a dog. I don't like to let my guard down and show my pain. It's too hard for me sometimes. I would rather pretend I'm not feeling so uncomfortable and enjoy spending time having fun with everyone. My friends have used the phrase "let your guard down" around me as well. I'm seeing a pattern here. But why? Why let my guard down? Sometimes in the quiet moments I'm alone I will let my guard down and expose some of the sadness or anger I talked about last post. Sometimes, like now, I let my guard down in front of Roy, but somehow its just not natural to do in front of everyone. Why make you see, sense, or feel the pain and discomfort the sadness or anger that I sometimes feel?

I recently had an anniversary of sorts. It's been 365 days since I came out of remission and started chemo. I've been receiving chemo for 365 days. That's crazy. And…. Frankly it's quite scary for me. The doctors told me 1-2 years and its already been a year - I know they don't "really" know your expiration date but I'm not going to pretend this isn't weighing on me every day. I wonder how much more of this poisoning my body can take. I'm fighting so hard but by the fourth dose of whatever treatment we are doing I can start feeling pressure and more discomfort. It is a sign that again another drug has stopped working. I'm feeling that now. And while I wait for the next scan and consult with my drs I wonder…. Are there more drugs we can try? Can my body take it? How long will this one work? Is there a clinical trial available somewhere out the for me? How much longer can I keep doing this? How hard can I keep pushing my body? It hurts. I'm tired.

Don't get me wrong… I'm not giving up! I'm going to keep fighting as hard and as long as I can! But when I think about letting my guard down here I think it's about being completely honest with not just all of you… but with myself. And these are the honest thoughts and feelings. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, but I know that I have right now… so damn it… I'm going to enjoy it and smile through what tears may come.

Hugs & Smiles

Sarah