Life's Journey

I've been writing a lot about life with chemo and the challenges that I face. What I haven't really had the strength as of yet to write about is the impact this has on the ones I love. This is a tough one for me and is already making me fight back tears. I hate to think about how much this has impacted the lives of the people around me. I am so blessed to say that I have this amazing group of people that I am lucky enough to call friends and I have a wonderful loving family. I love all of you dearly. It is so hard for me to know that unwillingly I have caused pain and sadness in many of these people's lives. I can't put myself in your shoes, but I can see and feel the impact my battle has brought to your lives.

Since I can't speak directly to how each of you have been impacted what I can speak to is how I've been dealing with everything. Maybe knowing more of how I'm emotionally dealing with all of this will help you. I will always be honest about my battle and if you ever want to ask or talk about it, just ask. I'm not afraid to talk about it… this is my reality. I am battling terminal cancer. Phew, that's a tough one… but that is what it is. We don't like to talk about it and we instead find ourselves in the land of denial. It's scary. It's heart breaking. It's difficult. It's reality. I think this was the hardest part for me to deal with…. This is my reality now. My life is all about fighting cancer to survive. It's not easy. It's a fight every single day, but I know this and continue to wake up every morning grateful for a new day.

I obviously am not happy about having this in my life, but I have to accept it. I don't get a choice about having cancer - that's happening whether I like it or not. What I do get to choose is how I deal with it. I know that my time is limited but I get to choose what I want to do with the rest of it. I can choose to be sad - but how is that going to help anything? I can choose to be mad - but that will just make things worse. I can choose to pretend it's not happening - but this isn't healthy. I instead choose to be grateful. I am so grateful for every new day. I don't take anything for granted anymore. I want to spend my time enjoying life - not being sad, mad, or in denial. I want to spend time with my family and friends. I want to laugh and smile. I want to enjoy as much as I can.

Don't get me wrong. I have moments of all of these crazy emotions. I get sad, sometimes I get crazy super sad. But, I don't allow myself to stay there. It would be so easy to just keep crying, but I will make myself stop. Sometimes I will literally look myself in the mirror and talk myself back out of the sadness. I get angry. This is a more difficult one because I don't always know how to get it out. So Roy bought me a punching bag! Perfect! I go in there and beat the crap out of the thing and walk away feeling a little better. And I find myself slipping into denial often. This is the hardest of them all because I don't always recognize that I'm doing it. But it's also the easiest to snap out of once I realize it.

I have learned that if you allow an emotion like sadness or anger overtake you for 20 minutes or longer it will have a lasting impact. Meaning it's a quick turn to depression or associated health issues if you let these things take over for more than 20 minutes. So I made a pact with myself that when I feel I am slipping into one of these emotions I will look at the clock and give myself 15 minutes. When time is up I have to snap out of it… sometimes that is when I go to the mirror and face myself about it. This may sound crazy, but it truly has worked for me. This allows me to let out some of these emotions but not get pulled into the darkness that comes with cancer.

I'm not sure how much of this helps all of you, but I'm hopeful that you at least now know how I am emotionally dealing with everything. None of this is easy, not just for me but also all of my family and friends. It brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart to know that I have brought sadness into the lives of the people I love. Please know that more than anything I want to leave a smile behind, not sadness. I want you all to know that I choose to be happy through all of this as much as possible because I don't want to waste a moment. I hope you can do the same. Don't be sad for me, be happy… smile because it feels good.

Hugs & Smiles,

Sarah