Life's Journey

I have to admit that this chemo has hit me pretty hard. Last week I had my flu shot and then went to my oncology office for fluids. Sometimes when I can tell I'm crashing from treatment I go get IV fluids and it gives my body a little boost. So, being a "do all that I can do" patient I tried to catch it early and get some fluids. Little did I know that the next morning I would wake up running to the bathroom to violently start vomiting. It was uncontrollable all morning. I had the hot chills, I was sweating and just all of the sudden I would need to rush to the bathroom. Over and over and over again. It was torture. Finally I reached out to Michele for advice on what to do since I couldn’t keep any of my meds down. She told me to try the suppository for nausea - ugh, sigh, stomp. Fine… I went for it. And must admit I finally started to feel some reprieve about 30 minutes later. These things also knock me out so I got a few good hours of sleep in. I spent the rest of the day medicated and wrapped in a blanket. Sadly this was the same day as the Cardinals home Thursday night game. One of the biggest games of the year against the seahawks. We had plans to tailgate and enjoy the day. I had to give up my ticket to a friend. I was sad to stay home, but glad I did - I was terribly sick. Rest, rest, rest. I watched the game from the big red chair curled up in a blanket with Ben.

The next day I started feeling better and slowly reintroduced food to my system. All seemed to be going well. I was just still super tired so needed another day of taking it easy. By the weekend I was feeling better. Phew. Sunday I met some friends to walk around the zoo a little. It was good to spend time with friends and get out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Later that day my parents came over for dinner. We grilled up some steaks and kept it a simple night at home together. It was a nice evening.

Monday I had an out patient procedure at the hospital. When I had the kidney stent placed in July they told me it would need to be replaced in 3 months. The time had come… too fast in my opinion but here I was in need of a stent replacement. Roy spent the day at the hospital with me. I'm so very lucky to have such a supportive and amazing husband. I can't imagine going through all of this crap without him by my side holding my hand. No matter how many times I have "procedures" and "treatments" done, they are scary every time. It never gets easier. I try to make the best out of it. I make jokes with the doctors and nurses. I try to find funny topics with Roy. I guess it's my attempt at making a super crappy situation a little bit better. I could mope and cry and be full of anger about all if it but what good would any of that do? So I go to the opposite extreme and do my best to make the best of a bad situation. I had a really good group of professionals help me through this day. My pre-surgical nurse, Heather, was super nice and helpful. They were able to use my chest port rather than put in an IV line because of her and I am so grateful. Sometimes anesthesiologists don't like to use a chest port (why I still don't understand) but Heather was able to make it happen for me. My veins are totally shot from all the treatments and poking and proding so putting in an IV line can be very challenging and they often blow out at the most inconvenient time (like during surgery!). Using the chest port was a great way to start the process. I met the anesthesiologist and loved him. He was probably the best I've had… I remained knocked out during the procedure, I don't remember any of it, and I woke up peacefully. This is not always how this goes. I've been known to wake up during procedures, remembering all the bad stuff, and often waking up in a panic. So, this was the best go to sleep and wake up process I've had in awhile. I'll definitely be requesting his services again when needed. The procedure it's self went by the book. Phew - for once everything went as it should. No complications, no issues. He was able to go in, remove the existing stent, and put in a new one. Ta da! As for me, I was quite tired and sore the rest of the day. Back to the big hair wrapped in a blanket with Ben. Ah, the comforts of home. My dear friend and neighbor made us a delicious dinner and Roy did a great job taking care of me!

Today is the next day and I am still tired and sore. My body is requiring extra pain meds today so those kinda make me goofy tired. But, overall I'm just so glad it all went well that I can deal with the pain. Tomorrow will be better. Speaking of tomorrow I guess I can give a quick update on what's next. We are planning to do one more cycle of Doxil (Chemo) on November 5th (which by the way I need a chemo buddy for so if anyone is available please let me know). After this treatment we are going to run a PET Scan on December 2nd. I'll have a follow up consultation with my oncologist the following week to see what next steps are. If the scans looks good and we see disease shrinking or stabilizing we will probably keep going with the Doxil. Knowing that it's working will help me find the strength to keep fighting through the side effects. If the scans aren't good we will have to go back to my experimental doc to see if there are any clinical trials available. If nothing is available we go back to the drawing board. I'll keep everyone posted.

In between all of this stuff I've been dealing with a lot of "responsibilities". Things that I've been trying to avoid. I wouldn't say I'm in "denial" I'd just say "I don't wanna"…. I've had to process many things under the "terminally ill" category. Yuck! It's a constant in your face "you're dying" message every day. I hate it and I don't wanna. But sometimes you have to deal with things you don't wanna so I've been sucking it up and just getting it done. Dealing with finances, insurance, bills, living wills, power of attorney, 401k, IRA, all these things require my attention right now. I'm slowly checking things off the list but it is emotionally draining. My hope is that once it's done, it's done and I can move on.

I just keep trying to live in the moment and enjoy everything I have. It's been a little rough lately with all these side effects, procedures, and "things" that I have to deal with but I'm working on fitting in some fun like my morning at the zoo. I need those things to keep me going and my spirits high. It's easy to spend my days in my PJs wrapped in a blanket with Ben. This week we are having some work done in the house and family will be in town over the weekend. Roy's brother, wife and two daughters are coming for a football game. I'm really excited to see them… it's been too long. And I love having the little ones around, they keep me smiling that's for sure!

We have a lot of visitors over the next month and I'm so excited to see everyone. The weather here is beautiful this time of year so Roy and I try not to travel but to instead get everyone we know to come here. Apparently we are doing a good job. We have friends coming in early November for a football game weekend. Another dear friend is coming to visit for a long weekend to play. Then all the family is coming here for Thanksgiving. I think it will be a great holiday. I can't wait. More to come on that later.

For now, I'm working on a few art projects and attempting to keep up on my blogging If anyone wants to sign up for a weekend visit in December we have weekends available!

Sending hugs and smiles,

Sarah