Life's Journey

We woke early today because we were told the airport gets crazy and we should be there 3 hours before our flight. We took this to heart and got there ridiculous early. But I think it was worth it… we had no trouble getting through check in, customs check, and security. I noticed as more and more people showed up it did start getting chaotic.

I'm not ready to leave this amazing adventure. It's been such a great trip. We are both feeling very relaxed and we've been able to kind of let go of all the stresses at home. I did realize that as much as I wanted to live in denial and pretend I didn’t have cancer for these couple of weeks, it's just not possible. The cancer is always there, sitting on my shoulder, reminding me of its existence. I am feeling a significant amount of pain at this point. My abdomen is constantly aching. My legs and joints just hurt. I'm continuing to take the slow release 30 mg morphine pills but I need Vicodin for break through pain. I know I overdid it, I pushed too hard. But, it was worth it. I think part of the reason I'm doing well through these treatments is because I push myself so hard. I refuse to let the pain hold me down. Granted it does limit me sometimes, but it doesn’t stop me. I just know that I have these limitations. I don’t like them, but I deal with them. I take meds to help get me through a lot of it and when I hurt I breath through it. I've talked about this before but I can't express enough how important I feel this is for anyone dealing with cancer or other medical condition that causes chronic pain. Breathing, self-meditation, and visualization make a huge difference. When I find myself in a lot of pain (there were a few times on this trip that they pain would literally wake me up crying because it was so bad) I stop, close my eyes and start with breathing. Breath in, breath out, and count down. I count from 10 down. I will do this as many times as is needed. Then I will practice some meditation to relax. I find when I am in that type of pain I tense up, my entire body clenches. The breathing helps but the meditation forces me to relax myself. And if these don't help I lay down and practice visualization. I can literally take myself to a happy place. Usually this is on one of the beaches of Hawaii where I can relax and focus on the sights, sounds, and smells there. This really helps.

Something else I realized on this trip involves chemo brain. This new drug Doxil definitely causes bad chemo brain. I am so forgetful. Words don’t come to me. I often type words incorrectly. Little things like this are bothersome and annoying but not the end of the world. What I've started noticing now is how my brain process situations. There were many times when we found ourselves in crowded areas. I mentioned them at various times throughout my stories, but just a reminder that it was often a melting pot of cultures crammed together in spaces. Even here on the plane. There are times when all I can hear is hundreds of people talking at once, laughing, kids crying, people making announcements… It becomes overwhelming. Things like this never used to bother me but now it sends me almost into a panic. I feel extreme anxiety, almost claustrophobic. I want to scream and run away. This has to be something with how my brain is processing situations now. It's extremely frustrating. I've been taking ativan to try to help with this anxiety but it honestly doesn’t always appear to be enough. Ok enough about these side effects… back to the adventures.

We are on the first leg of our flights home. The long leg… 9.5 hours from Barcelona to Philly. The flight is full and long…. I try to get up and stretch multiple times. I planned ahead and rented a few good movies from iTunes on my iPad for us to watch. Unfortunately, when I tried to play them they wouldn’t open. Not sure what that is all about except to super annoy me in an already annoying situation. thankfully US Airways provides free movies and tv shows during these flights. I watched The Good Year (it was ok) and something else which I already forget so it couldn’t have been very good. Lol. And this is proof of the brain issues. Ugh.

So, let me tell you a brief story about the luckiest guy I know… I married him. (but that's only one of the reasons he's the luckiest - wink wink). Every time we fly I get suckered into the middle seat. Every time! This trip is so long I put my foot down and said one of these legs you have to take the middle seat. Roy was nice enough to pick this flight, the longest of the two. We are in the center section of the row and I am enjoying the extra space and an armrest all to myself in the aisle. When we sat down no one was beside him. I said jokingly that this would probably be the one open seat on the entire plane and he just smiled at me. Somehow, when it comes to stuff like this he really is the luckiest guy I know. We are settling in as are people all around us and still no one in the seat. He's starting to get a little cocky about it over there when all of the sudden a guy comes and sits next to him - ah, sweet justice, I thought to myself. He started talking to some of the flight attendants and it sounds like maybe he works for the airline and is trying to get moved up to first class. No luck so far. Just as they are closing the door I said "enjoy" or something smarty pants like that and **BOOM** that's when it happened… the flight attendant came back and got the guy and moved him to first class. Roy, in the middle seat, with no one next to him. I don't get it. I am cursed every flight with either the overweight guy, the smelly guy, the guy who doesn’t understand "personal space", the chatty lady… my luck is bad in general when getting a middle seat on a flight. The ONE TIME he decides to go for it…. Empty! Luckiest guy I know.

While I'm not ready to face reality yet, I know that it is inevitable. Tomorrow I have chemo and Roy goes back to work. Ugh, sigh, stomp, pulls hair. I don’t wanna. But, what I am looking forward to is seeing Ben! Yay! I've missed that little booger.

We've had a fantastic adventure! We've created memories that will last a lifetime. It's been a great two weeks away… now to prepare for reality.

Hugs and Smiles,

Sarah