Life's Journey

Hello everyone. I've been posting my writings from our trip so I haven't really broken in with much about how I'm doing now. Thought maybe it was time for one of these. As you know, we got back from our amazing adventure on Monday (9/9) and I had chemo on Tuesday (9/10). I'm still recovering from this chemo kick in the pants. This Doxil treatment is so much more brutal than any of the previous treatments I've taken. They tell me that this "should be" easier to handle, that I've "had worse"… but it sure doesn't feel like it.

The effects of Doxil just keep on giving. The first few days are generally ok, just tired. I had random eye weirdness which I already posted about. But, after that things kinda turned to shit. I am exhausted. I am nauseas. I don't want to eat. I'm getting mouth sores. I'm hot all the damn time. I hate this chemo. I'm a pretty tough chick and I've dealt with a lot and maybe just maybe I've actually hit my limit and I'm just tired of being a cancer patient. But, I gotta be honest that this one really sucks.

I also talk about side effects and follow it up with "but there's a pill for that". There was always something that would help calm a crappy side effect. All of the sudden none of my "tricks" are working. Lets start at the top: I'm exhausted. I don't know how to describe this for anyone who hasn't gone through chemo before. But it literally feels like every cell in my body just wants a nap. All the time. Mustering up the strength to do some of the things I do is tough to say the least. But, I manage to do it because I want to live my life, not nap it away. I try coffee, soda, red bull, whatever I can to "give me wings" and keep me going. But often times even these don't work. And part of why they don't work leads me to #2: I'm nauseas.

Ok, this isn't a little nauseas - this is a constant lingering nagging nausea. It's this feeling in my guts and my head that nags at me all day and makes me want to throw up all over the place. It's funny when I say it like that - but it's not so funny when you honestly feel that way all the time. When I sit and watch tv, when I drive, when I go grocery shopping, when I play ball with ben, when I type at my computer, when I try to sleep, when I'm awake - I'm nauseas. I do have some pills for this and we are trying various combinations of meds, but right now it's awful. It's gotten to the point where sometimes the nausea wins and I physically am getting sick. I'll be the first to get in line and say I do not like to throw up. I will literally do whatever I can to convince my body not to vomit - I hate it that much. But, there have been a few times in the past 2 and a half weeks that I haven't been able to fight it. It comes on crazy fast and hard and just takes over sometimes. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. This is probably the worst part for me right now. And it's ALL THE TIME. It's been almost 3 weeks since treatment and I still feel like a bag of poop.

Speaking of poop - nope, things are still not normal in that arena either. Better, but no where near normal. I'm taking laxatives so often I'm surprised they haven't questioned my purchases at the grocery store. It's ridiculous. And that's just to keep things moving. This may be crossing a line, but for anyone else out there that may be going through this you will understand. There is a fine line between constipation, movement, and diarrhea. Finding that balance is the awesome part. I am currently taking dulcolax 3 times a day on odd days and Miralax on even days. That seems to be working so far. But, the output is really skinny. This leads me to question how the disease is progressing in this area. I'm thinking there is stuff pushing on my colon causing the area to be more narrow. I'm not excited about what this will inevitably lead to…. But I'm not ready to really think about that - so for now I will just continue doing what I'm doing as long as it keeps working. Sigh.

Ok, I'm not going to continue to complain and bitch about all these crappy side effects. I hear so many people say "you're so strong" "your amazing" "I don't know how you do it"…. Frankly I don't know how I do it either sometimes. And I certainly have not been feeling strong or amazing lately - I feel like a lazy sick person and I do not like it! So, no I am not strong, I am just doing what I need to do to survive. I'm continuing to fight this battle with everything I can muster - but it certainly doesn't seem amazing lately. It just seems like crap, it kinda seems like I'm starting to lose and I'm not ok with that. I feel like I'm in a video game fighting off these bad cancer cells. But the game never ends. And my strength bar is in the red zone. I need some power ups!

Just wanted everyone to know that if I've been a little more distant lately it's not intentional - it's just… well, chemo. Apparently these are going to hit harder - so I need to figure out balance so I can deal with it appropriately and still live my life. This is the hard part… but I will figure it out. I'll keep ya posted.

Sending hugs and mustering up smiles

Sarah