Life's Journey

I wish I could continue to write about new adventures, fantastic trips, and bucket list experiences… but unfortunately I can't. Today's post is difficult to write and challenging to understand. I've always been honest and direct about my situation in my blog posts. I have test results and more tests to talk about… so, I'm going to dive right in… grab a kleenex and cozy in for this one…

It appears as though the "lighter chemo" (Taxol weekly for three weeks and one week off) we've been doing hasn't been working enough (damn it!). My PET scan results came back and show disease progression. The cancer has grown and spread throughout my pelvis area. There is "nodularity" along my left side, it crosses midline to the right side. Two masses are noted: a 2.9cm mass on my right side that is pressing against the ureter causing the blockage; the other mass is 2.6cm and is sitting somewhere on my left pelvic sidewall. There is some additional involvement around the sigmoid colon. In other words, the bitch is back with a vengeance.

My options are fairly limited at this point but the good news is that they are not exhausted…. This means I still have options (glass half full). Here's the nutshell version of potential treatments:

• Surgery - not an option - the disease is too widespread and the area is a hot mess that surgeons don't want to touch
• Radiation - not an option - we have already treated this same general area with radiation so we cannot do it again to the same area
• Standard Chemo Treatments (Taxol, carboplatin, cisplatin, etc.) - not the best option - these are the drugs I have already taken and either my body couldn't tolerate it anymore or it wasn't working and the cancer continued to grow
• Clinical Trials - possible option - I had an appointment with Dr Gordon today to discuss possible clinical trials. There is one that I may qualify for that is just getting started. They took blood to run some labs to see if I can begin the qualification process.
• New Super Strong and Super Scary Chemo - this is an option - I have an appointment on Wednesday to talk to Dr Borst about a new chemo agent called Doxil. They are required to run tests on my heart before we can consider this treatment. This drug has a history of causing heart failure so we need to make sure my body can take it.
• Combination Treatment - the best option may be to start with the new super strong chemo while the trial gets ramped up and then switch to the clinical trial in a few months.

What does all this mean? I'm not completely sure yet, Wednesday's appointment will answer a lot of questions. I knew this was coming and it still hit me like a sledge hammer to the face. There's no real way to prepare yourself for something like this. Frankly it sucks! The emotions run a little wild after learning that through all this fighting, the cancer is winning. I'm sad, angry, and scared all at once. But, I'm going to pull it together, educate myself on my options, and make the decision that is best for me.

This also made it clear that it is time for me to go on a Medical Leave of Absence from work. I'll be going on Disability starting later this week. This was one of the most difficult "final" steps for me to take. I have a job that I really enjoy. I work with some fantastic people, many of which I am lucky to call a friend as well. It's going to be difficult to not be a "professional" anymore. I worked hard to get to my job, I felt as though I earned it and I was good at it. That's hard to walk away from… but at least I can walk away with my head held high. I'm proud of the work I did.

How am I feeling? Completely drained… I am literally exhausted all the time. I fall asleep in the recliner, on the couch, in the car… all the time, just tired. I think this is a caused by a combination of things and hopefully I can improve on this over time. I hurt. There is a great deal of pain in my pelvis and abdomen. I'm taking pain meds that are pretty strong and cause part of my exhaustion. I'm never hungry. Roy has to remind that it's time to eat and I make myself eat meals with him. I've lost 14 lbs in the past month - I'm eating, just not as much. So far, all of this is manageable - not awesome, just bearable.

What happens next? Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a MUGA scan (a heart health check) - this is the test required before starting the Doxil treatment. I'm at a point where I have to qualify for treatments going forward. During my appointment on Wednesday we should be able to review these test results and come to a decision on next step and treatment plan.

I'm so glad that I've been able to experience so many of my bucket list items. We have a trip from an angel planned for Roy and I to just getaway and relax for a few days. So we are running away from it all this weekend and just relaxing together. There are so many things left that we hope to be able to do in some way. This will be a topic of conversation with Dr. B on Wednesday. I need to understand what's realistic now. We will just have to take it one day at a time. But, I remain hopeful that we are able to cross a few more things off the list.

As always, I will continue to keep everyone updated via this blog site. I am so grateful to have all of you there reading this and in your own way, somehow you are cheering me on, holding my hand, or providing a hug. I am so appreciative. Please know that I wish I could talk to each of you about this but I just can't, it's truly too difficult. I think I just need a few days to come to grips with this new reality in my life.

Stay tuned… I will post again when I know more.

Hugs and smiles,

Sarah