Life's Journey

Time does funny things… when it comes to waiting on test results it seems that time can’t possibly be moving any slower. One day seems like a week and the results can’t get to me fast enough. On the other hand, once the diagnosis is in… time is suddenly moving in fast forward and my world is topsy turvey. I can’t even keep up with myself.

Last week I had my portacath (“port”) placed in my chest. This is a small medical device that works like a built in IV line. It has a little silicone bubble like port that then connect to a vein in my neck. This allows them to easily collect blood for labwork and give fluids, meds, and chemo without putting in an IV line each time. I had this last year for chemo and just had it removed last August. I was so excited to get it removed thinking this was the final “all done” transaction. Sigh. But knowing that I had to go through it again I figured “easy peasy” I’ve already done this… just get er done!

I wasn’t quite prepared for it, but got a call that said I was scheduled for the next day and needed to be there in the morning… the only response is “um, ok”. The Port is put in (and removed) while under conscious sedation. This means I’m not totally under, but they give me stuff so I totally don’t remember anything either. Well… except this time. They totally f’ed this “easy peasy” procedure up! It started when the nurse put in a bad IV. I told her numerous times that it was bad but she was insistent that it would be fine. I told another nurse who told me “it’s a short procedure and will be fine”. Finally I told the anesthesiologist that this was a bad line and he tested it saying it’s not strong, but it should be fine. FAIL! The line blew before I was sedated. I was WIDE AWAKE… the doctor told me he was going to numb the area – which btw is the equivalent of shooting acid into your chest. I just kept telling myself it would be over soon as I gripped the edge of the surgery table with white knuckles. I won’t go into all the details, but I was never really knocked out at all, I remember every second of the process, the tugging, the heart racing, the pushing, pulling and cutting. This was one of those time cannot go fast enough moments. When they finally told me they were done all the anxiety and stress I was “managing” was released and I lost it! I was crying (or sobbing) and yelling at the same time. I was appalled that this happened and no one would recognize the issue. All I wanted to do was kick the nurse that placed the bad IV and refused to listen to me. But, lesson learned, if you are not comfortable with your medical care – you DEMAND something better or someone higher up to review.

Anyway, the port is in and I am healing. I forgot how much this little guy hurts. It’s super sore and makes it hard for me to do things like put a shirt on or off or wash my hair. But it’s getting better and should be quick to heal. They always say after the procedure that it’s ready to use the next day – um, let me be clear with this one… there is no way in hell someone is going to jab a huge bendy needle into my chest within a week!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Michele and Dr. Borst at my Oncology office to ensure that we are on the right path and what to expect from this chemo treatment. I decided to have all treatments done with the oncologist I’ve seen for the past 4 years vs Mayo because at this point it’s chemo – it’s pretty standard and I can’t imagine doing this without them at my side. They’ve already scheduled my first chemo treatment – this Thursday. Phew – talk about the fast track all of the sudden. I got the call today that I was on the schedule for Thursday. “um, ok”. While I knew it was coming and I want to start fighting this thing I think there are some things you are never really able to prepare for… Chemotherapy is one of those things.

I’m getting it started before Thanksgiving and then hopefully hitting the road by Sunday or Monday at the latest to go to San Diego for the holiday. We are heading out to spend turkey day with a bunch of Roy’s family. I’m really looking forward to the escape. We are going to Lego Land with the nieces and one of the nephews, maybe hitting Sea World, and just enjoying our time together. I’m so lucky to be embraced by Roy’s family. They are a great family and I love them, I’m blessed.

I am nesting in preparation for chemo. Cooking things that provide left overs and frozen meals. Washing my favorite blankets, pulling out my slippers, and lining up my comfy clothes. I went to the farmers market and bought a square of wheatgrass for juicing, fresh kale, fruits, ginger, and veggies to juice. I have proteins, glutamines, and vitamins galore. The medicine cabinet is full of tummy rollercoaster meds, pain meds, and nausea relief. I have books, movies, and computer games loaded.

I’m ready for you… LET THE FIGHT BEGIN!