Life's Journey

I’m always the “silver lining” girl, the cheerleader, the “mother hen”… but right now I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. This diagnosis is impossible for me to fully comprehend at this point. I guess I should take a step back as I have avoided posting an update for a while. I don’t want to be a downer on this blog, but what I’ve come to realize is that sometimes that’s just going to happen… so here’s the latest.

Roy and I went to meet with the Chemo Doctor at Mayo on Monday. She pretty much told us what we already knew was coming. There is no magic wand, no fairy tale pill that I can take to kick this thing. I don’t qualify for any current clinical trials and there are no antibody drugs that will fight this type of cancer. I will need a strong chemo cocktail given once every three weeks. The chemo agents will be Carboplatin and Taxol – these are in the same family of drugs that I used last year, but these doses are 3 times as strong and I will not be given radiation in conjunction. They explained that the side effects will be similar – tummy rollercoasters, fatigue, flu like symptoms, and hair loss. All manageable. I will get chemo, feel like crap for 3-4 days, then get back on track for a couple weeks in preparation to do it all over again. There is no end in sight. This is palliative care at this point, this will not cure my cancer. The hope is that the cancer will respond to the chemo and shrink a little and stop growing and spreading. Then we keep dousing it with chemo until either it stops responding or my body becomes too toxic and can’t take the chemo anymore. That’s when the cancer starts to win.

Because my cancer has done everything it’s not supposed to do we may need to change chemo agents along the way. But, the one advantage I do have in this whole mess is that I am young and otherwise healthy so hopefully my body can fight for a few years. Yes, that’s what we are talking about here, a few years. I’ve asked all my doctors about a prognosis – what does “a few years” really mean. The bottom line is that everyone responds different, but in their experience we are hopeful to fight for 2-3 years. We will understand it better once we see how chemo impacts everything. We will run tests and scans to see if the cancer is responding and how my body is holding up. We will keep track of side effects and symptoms that indicate things are or aren’t changing the way we want them to. My life is now going to consist of waiting… waiting for treatment, waiting to start feeling better, waiting to get the next test, waiting for results, waiting to… wait! So far that hasn’t been easy for me, but I am working on accepting that this is just how life is going to be, I can’t change it so I just need to deal with it.

I can’t begin to describe the emotional chaos that comes with a diagnosis of terminal cancer. I started out just numb and probably a little in denial. Then I moved to utter sadness – sometimes the tears come at the most random of times. There’s anger that shows up every now and then – I’m pissed off that this is happening! But what I’m working toward is acceptance. Once I get to that place all the other emotions will be manageable. I’m getting there, one day at a time…

What I have come to realize (and I think this is the first step toward acceptance) is that I am truly going to make the most out of every single day. I’ve said it before and just having cancer touch your life in any way you are taught that every day is such a great gift and it should never be taken for granted. But now I am faced with the reality that my days are limited and all I want to do is enjoy them. I’m working on my bucket list – my list of things I’ve always wanted to do. That will be an upcoming post… but what I’ve realized is that I have always lived my life to the fullest. I have no regrets, no one to make amends with, I have done many of the things that would be put on a bucket list… I have lived a good life and I am grateful. I have found the love my life and am so lucky to have him by my side through all of this… holding my hand, telling me it’s going to be ok, and loving me. We are enjoying life together.

I am also overwhelmed with gratitude for all of you. If you are reading this blog it tells me you care, you have a place in my heart and I appreciate you. You each support me in your own way. You may be a family member, a friend, or maybe someone who found my blog that is dealing with cancer – even if we’ve never met – you are dear to me and I thank you for always being there and sending smiles.

Now that I’ve gotten the hard news out of the way, I will start posting more often. There is a lot that is going to start happening and changing in my life and I will write about it. I will be honest about it here… it’s not always going to be butterflies and rainbows… it’s life with cancer. There will be tears but there will also be laughter and smiles that will be shared.

Hugs & Smiles,
Sarah