Life's Journey

It's been a great month so far!  We've done some fun celebrating since the the good news came in!  The day we got the test results we invited a few close friends over for a BBQ to help celebrate the good news! I posted some pics for everyone's viewing pleasure. We had a great time! 

I had my follow-up appointment with my Oncologist.  He was excited to review the report from the CT Scan with me.  No Evidence of Disease (NED)!!!!!  He was impressed with the results and happy to see that we fought as hard as we could and kicked some cancer ass!  The follow-up plan is exams every three months and CT Scans every 6 months.  If I go a year with NED results (uh, which I will!) then we extend the time between exams.  I have a follow-up appointment with my Radiologist later this month, I think he may want to do some additional tests as well.  I scheduled to have my port removed August 24th!  I can't wait to get this thing out of my chest - it sucks!  My Oncologist was very encouraging and pleased to see all the test results.  Phew - it was time for a good visit with him!  All the girls in the office were so excited and supportive.  It was good to be able to really smile with them and give them each a hug and a big thank you. 

The bloodwork results are still not totally normal, but he's not worried at this point.  I think this is just one of the long term issues that I will carry with me.  My hemoglobin is just barely back in the normal range - phew.  But, my white blood cell count is still low.  I'm at 3.3 and the lowest end of normal is 4.0.  Doesn't seem like much, and at my lowest I was 2.1, but it's still low enough to be a little more cautious than the normal person when it comes to germs.  I'm not going to be licking the grocery cart handles any time soon   And I'm pretty sure Purell will be calling me to thank me for all my purchases.  But, this is something I can manage.

My hair is starting to come back - yay!  If you check out the celebration photos you'll see where I'm at...  starting to feel more comfortable running errands and stuff without a scarf or wig.  For those of you in the bidding pool, I still can't determine what color it is yet.  It's definitely more gray than I'd like, but whatever!  I'm just glad to start seeing it grow back Not sure if I'll get my curls back but fingers crossed.

Earlier this month Roy and I decided to get away and have some fun.  We drove up to Flagstaff  for Cardinals Training Camp.  Roy's Brother Glenn, his wife Kelbe, and their four little ones met us for the weekend.  We had a great time!  We were able to get a lot of the players autographs and up close and personal for practice.  The team looks good this year, here's hoping for a good season!

I'm so glad to be able to move forward.  Waiting for these results I've been "stuck" in a limbo and I finally feel like I'm able to start looking toward the future.  One of the most important things I've learned over the past few months is how important each day is, I'm so appreciative of every moment.  I can't completely sugar coat it - I still have rough days where I have a reality hit of everything that has happened to me and the toll cancer has taken on my body.  I know that I will never be the same physically or mentally.  But, I'm pulling through and learning how to face it all and accept it.  Some things are harder than others...

xoxo - Sarah

Test results are in: NED (No Evidence of Disease)

I kicked Cancer's ass! 

I can't post this news fast enough and get it out to everyone!  I'll post another update this weekend with more information but wanted to get the big news out there for everyone.  Roy and I haven't stopped crying yet!  It's overwhelming!  I'm so happy for so many reasons!

I couldn't have done this without every single one of you!  All of your smiles, love, thoughts and prayers helped make this happen!  Thank you thank you thank you!

Big hugs and lots of love to everyone.  Watch for more details posted soon.

xoxo - Sarah (aka - cancer kicking badass!)

Wow!  I can't believe how long it's been since my last post.  I've been staying busy with work, friends, and the occassional doctors appointments.  Things are going well overall.  I'm still in the healing phase of this journey.  It's not easy for me to "slow down" and allow myself to heal.  I want this to move faster, I want to get back to life full swing.  I've had the reality that it's all so valuable and not to take a minute for granted...  I want to get out and enjoy every moment...  not sit here and wait.  Ok, ok, I get it...  it's not forever and I have to listen to my body right now.  I'm working on it.

My bloodwork is still not in the normal ranges yet.  I have another follow up on that tomorrow - fingers crossed.  But I'm not feeling as zapped of energy all the time which I think is a good sign that I may be back into the normal range again.  (maybe that's just wishful thinking but I'm going with it)  Chemobrain still really sucks.  I find myself mid-sentance when....  BLANK!  Nothing!  Words just disappear.  It's super frustrating, but hopefully it will phase out soon.  I had a full exam with my radiologist last week.  He said he still sees quite a bit of healing happening.  Things are all moving in the right direction but he wants to be sure the bulk of the healing is done before we do the final PET Scan.  The scan will highlight not only cancer cells but also those fast moving healing cells so he pushed that PET Scan out another week.  It's now scheduled for July 28th and the appointment with the results is set for August 4th....  sigh....  stomp...  pulls hair...  pouts!  I hate the unknown right now.  Everything up in the air right now, I feel like my life is just "on hold" and it's so frustrating!  I don't know if all this treatment worked?  I don't know if the cancer is still growing?  I don't know what's around the next corner?  What's the next chapter in my book?  I have no idea right now...  but I'm supposed to sit idly by and heal.  UGH!  Damn it!  Crap!  I'm frustrated with this answer and this phase of the journey! 

I have found work is a good distraction from it all.  I've thrown myself back in as much as I can right now.  I still find myself getting tired midway through the day but taking breaks away from the computer seem to help.  Next week I'm going on a business trip to Dallas about a big project my team is working on.  I'm actually more excited to see everyone than anything else.    And I know, I need to be honest and not overdo it on this trip. 

Roy and I drove to Farmington, New Mexico for the Fourth of July weekend.  We go there every year to spend time with Roy's Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, Nieces and Nephews.  Farmington is a small town but they are CRAZY about Fourth of July fireworks.  I've never seen anything like it.  Ben went with us on the trip, he's not such a fan of the fireworks but loves all the attention he gets.  It was a good visit and good getaway for a few day.  I found myself pretty wiped out and sore when we got back - I may have over-done it just a little.  But, it made me face the fact that I am not back to normal yet, not at 100% and need to keep taking it slow.  I'm feeling better today.  And it was totally worth it to spend the time with family!  There's a picture from the trip in the photos section if you want to check it out.

It's quickly getting hotter here in the desert.  This weekend it was 117 degrees!  (glad we weren't here for that!)  But, we have found that our AC unit is having a hard time keeping up this year.  We knew this was coming, the AC has never been replaced and is too small for the house already.  It just has awful timing.  On top of the medical bills that are coming at me, we are facing the cost of a new AC unit for the house.  Sigh.  Oh well, I guess you do what you gotta do and find a way.  It will all be worth it to have a nice cool house to get out of the heat!

I guess that's all the updates right now...  I just wish this "waiting period" would hurry up already!  I want to turn the page and start a new chapter in my book.  This is definitely a lesson in patience. 

I'll keep everyone posted.  Hope you are all well!
Keep Smiling - Sarah

Getting back to "normal" is tougher than I anticipated.  For three months my "normal" has consisted of daily doctors visits, poking, proding, poisons, pain, and nausea.  There's a part of me that was expecting an internal switch to be flipped and POOF I would be feeling like a million bucks all of the sudden when all of this stopped.  Uh...  not so much. 

Last week I had my blood tested again and I'm happy to report that things are going in the right direction.  I'm still not in the normal ranges (go figure) but I'm getting closer.  I need to continue to be careful about germs, stay away from crowds and coughing people, keep my distance from kids, and wash my hands often.  I'm getting tested again next week and am hopeful that I'll be back in the normal ranges by then.

My tummy is feeling a lot better.  I wouldn't call it normal yet either though.  My appetite is coming back and I'm stepping out of the box of bland foods - yay!  But, still have bouts of nausea and upset tummy. Michele gave me a pass to have sushi last week and I didn't wait a beat for that one Roy and I went out for sushi that night!  I'm not going to push my luck and try again until I'm in the normal ranges....  but it sure was good!  Yummy!

I'm back to work. It's sooooooo good to have some brain activity with a purpose and interactivity with my "work family".  I've missed everyone.  While I've jumped back into my office chair I realize that a lot has changed in the three months I've been away.  My core team is bigger and includes 2 new members.  The big projects I had on my plate have continued without me and my role handed off to other team members.  Even my role and responsibilities within the company have changed.  Don't get me wrong, none of these are bad things...  but I am having a hard time getting comfortable in my new office chair.  It all happened so fast.  All the projects that I put my blood sweat and tears into are still moving along or nearing completion without me.  I'm still trying to catch up and at the same time figure out where I "fit" in it all.  My team and company as a whole have been some of my biggest supporters throughout this journey.  They have allowed me to take the time I've needed to focus on my health and healing.  The new role I have stepped into is a promotion but it also allows me to load my calendar slowly and set my own deadlines for the next few months.  This is a good thing because I'm shocked by how tired I get throughout the day.  By 2:00 I'm ready for a nap   I'm grateful to work for a company that has been understanding through of all this and work with a team that has held my hand and been by my side through it all. 

Menopause sucks!  I don't know if the chemo and radiation were somehow masking some of the crappy menopause symptoms or if it just takes awhile for these to appear....  but either way they are here now and they really suck!  I've heard women bitch about hot flashes and wondered how it could really be that bad?  Geez, I get it, your hot - get over it!  Uh...  hot doesn't describe the rush that pours through your body during a flash.  For me, it starts at the back of my head - I'm actually thankful that I'm bald right now I can't imagine having hair added to this - it's a sudden radiating hotness that then runs down my neck and back.  It's an instant sweat.  You can't escape it and there's not much that relieves it, you just have to put on your big girl panties suck it up and wait for it to pass.  The kicker is that these flashes happen whenever they want - I can't find a rhyme or reason to any of it.  I'll be somewhere with Roy and say "damn it's hot in here" and he will just look at me and I realize it's not that it's "hot in here" it's that it's "hot in me"! Uck - I am not a fan...  and I think menopause is partially to blame for my next topic....

My emotions are suddenly all over the place.  I think I refused to deal with the emotional side of cancer over the past three months.  I had bigger things to focus on, I had to be strong, I had to survive... I wasn't going to allow my emotions to get in the way of any of this.  I couldn't be sad that I was diagnosed with cancer - there was no time for that - if I was sad how could I possibly be strong enough to pull through chemo and radiation treatments.  I wouldn't allow myself to be mad - that wasn't going to help anything...  I had to stay positive, strong, and focused...  all these emotions just f*%$ things up and I didn't have time for it.  The reality that I accepted is that I'm here, I've been put in this situation and I just have to deal with it.  I haven't had a choice in any of this. So, I had to determine the best way to get through it and that plan did not include allowing myself to be sad about it, no pity parties here, or mad about it, what's the point in that?  Now I'm through the treatment part of the journey and have ventured into the healing part and I find these emotions starting to surface.  I started finding that I was getting anxious and kind of what I would call PMSy inside - but I recognized it right away and was able to put to kabosh on that one - I won't have any of that...  mind over matter for me.  But the part I can't seem to get past is the rushes of reality that hit me when I least expect it.  I'm thinking that a lot of it has to do with the fact that at this point I don't know what my status is...  Did the chemo and radiation work?  Do I still have actively growing cancer cells in my body?  What are my next steps?  These questions sometimes lead me to kind of dark corners of my mind.  The "what ifs" start creeping in.  I don't want to face them, I don't even want to be thinking about them, but they somehow pop in my train of thought unexpectedly.  I'm a big believer in meditation and positive visualization.  I'm pretty sure I've talked about that before because these two techniques have gotten me through many tough days.  But when I find myself in those dark corners it's sometimes tough to get back out into the light.  It's like my positive visualizations get all muddled and gray and I'm trudging through sludge trying to get out of the dark.  Don't get me wrong I always manage to pull myself through it and get out of the dark corners pretty quick but the point is that I don't want to be there at all!  Nobody talks about this part of it...  no one can prepare you for the realm of emotions that you experience along your journey with cancer.  And sadly no one can understand it unless you've been there.  I guess it's just going to take time to work through it all.

I'm going to be completely honest - everything is different now, nothing has remained the same.  Nothing is normal.  Wait...  what is normal anyway?  Better question...  why would I want to be normal?

xoxo - Sarah

I've been waiting for today to post an update so I could share good news.  Yesterday I got not so good news and earlier in the week I got some bummer news...  so I guess I'll dampen the good a little with all the news at once...

THE GOOD:  Today is my last day of treatment!   YAY!  I'm happy to report that this is my last day of radiation!  No more poison!  No more nausea!  No more tummy rollercoasters!  No more bone pain!  No more!  Phew!  I'm so relieved to know that this is it.  That I did it!  I pulled through 8 long weeks of chemo and radiation treatment.  I'm looking forward to feeling good again.  This also means that I'll be getting back to work on June 9th!!!  I've never been so excited to get back to work!

THE BAD:  Tested my blood yesterday and I crashed again.   My WBC, ANC, and Hemoglobin are at the lowest levels yet.  Honestly I'm mostly concerned about the Hemoglobin levels right now, it's at 8.6 (normal levels are between 12 and 16), at this level it's causing weakness, dizziness, and shortness of breath.  Its so frustrating, just going upstairs feels like I've climbed a mountain.  If it drops below 8 we will need to talk about blood transfusion.  Apparently the radiation is having a bigger impact on my blood cells than we thought. But for some reason my body is refusing to reproduce these cells fast enough.  This means I'm back in the damn bubble... sigh!  No going out, no being around people, just me and Ben in the house (aka bubble) all day.  It also means that I had to start on Nuprogen again.  This is the shot that helps boost the white blood cell production.  But, this is the shot that causes skull pain and overall bone pain.  I woke up this morning with that lovely stabbing pain in all my bones and head.  I'm taking some meds to try to counteract these side effects which help a little but it still really hurts.  I had the shot yesterday and another today then we will retest the blood next Wednesday... fingers crossed that these numbers start going in the right direction.

THE UGLY:  Although this is the last day of treatment, the journey is not over.  They need to wait til mid-July to see if the treatment was effective.  The final test is a full PET Scan - these scans highlight the cancer cells, but they also will highlight healing cells.  So, we have to wait for the healing from the radiation to be complete before running the scan.  This is going to be tough...  I don't even know if these 8 weeks of hell were effective, if the cancer is dead.  And now I find out I have to wait 6-8 weeks before I find out.  UGH!  I've also been talking to my doctors about what to expect now that treatment is over.  There are a lot of gross things that I won't go into with everyone, but they aren't going to be fun.  And they said it will take 2-3 weeks after radiation for my digestion and bowels to get back on track again.  I should also expect the bouts of extreme fatigue to haunt me for the next year.  That sucks!  I really want to get out there again and do the things I love to do: mountain biking, hiking, working out...  and I know that I will start doing them again soon but to know that I won't be able to do as much or push as hard is going to be tough for me.  But, I'm so grateful just to be through the hard part and to know that I have a tomorrow.

So, there it is...  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The journey continues, let the healing begin!  I'm planning all new healthy diet plans, yoga, and meditation schedules to add to my daily grind.  I will continue to post updates to this site as my battle is not over just yet.  Feel free to check in anytime.  Hoping that everyone is happy, healthy, and smiling every day!

Lots of love - Sarah

An angel sent me "The Book of Awesome".  It's full of funny little things that are awesome and therefor make us smile.  Things like:

• Popping Bubble Wrap
• The Other Side of the Pillow
• The smell of rain on a hot sidewalk
• Hitting a bunch of green lights in a row

There are 390 pages of awesome in the book.  I recommend everyone have a copy nearby when they need a quick smile or grin. But it got me thinking...  while these are in fact awesome little things in life that make you smile, they are not personal things.  So now I'm wondering.... 

    What makes you smile?   

Would love to hear from everyone... comment on this post and share something that makes you smile.

I will not be missing you chemo - this is one goodbye I've been looking forward to!  Yesterday was my last chemo treatment - phew!  I'm so glad to have that part over with.  I'm not usually one for goodbye's - I'm more of a see ya later kinda girl - but this is one goodbye I did with a happy dance, a smile, and a good kick in the ass on the way out the door!  My numbers were still low yesterday but again good enough for them to give me the chemo.  She is giving me a break from the Neupogen this week - thank goodness!  Since I don't have chemo next week there isn't a push to get  my bloodcell counts back up quickly so we are going to monitor them and let them build up on their own.  We are going to check the numbers again on Thursday.  But this also means that I'm going to probably crash pretty hard in the next few days.  I'm preparing myself for that one.

I met with the radiologist today for our weekly check in.  Not much to report which is always shocking to them.  I think so many people going through this complain everyday about the side effects and I just refuse to let myself do that.  Yes, I feel like CRAP - Yes, it's ALL the time - but NO I'm not going to let it take me over.  I've asked about all my side effects to verify that they are normal and expected and for the most part they all have been (yea, skull pain was random - ugh).  So I've found ways to balance and deal with them.  What I realized today as I was talking to the doctor was that I have just found a new balance for my day to day - crappy=normal for me right now.  The constant nausea and churning of the tummy, the head pain, the exhaustion, the bone pain...  these are the everyday normal for me anymore and I've learned to just accept them.  I'm not going to complain about them all the time - that would make me miserable.  So, everyday I put on my big girl panties, suck it up, and deal with it!  But, I can tell from my doctors and nurses that apparently not many people have this same attitude.

We also discussed the remaining treatments.  It looks like there are a few more than I anticipated.  At least through next Friday and maybe even the following Monday "you can do this!" but it is what it is and we'll get'er done!   Just grateful to not have anymore chemo.  There's nothing fun about chemo Mondays!  I will not miss them at all!

On a lighter note...  Roy and I had a fantastic weekend at the Grand Canyon!  I posted some pictures on the photos page for everyone.  We got there early evening on Friday and it was super cold (thank goodness for sock monkey hat - see pictures)   We walked on the rim a little, settled into our room, went out to watch the sunset over the rim and headed off for a nice dinner together.  Saturday we got up early for the sunrise at 5:30a.  It's a spectacular sight to see the sun rise over the canyon.  It casts hues of gold, orange, and red across the rocks and the shadows are constantly dancing.  It's worth getting up at 5am in the freezing cold to see - and pictures do not do it justice.  After the sunrise we met up with our friend Kim and I sent them off to their hike in the canyon for the day.  I now had the day to myself at the rim of the Grand Canyon....  it turned out to be a perfect day.  The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze.  It didn't get too crowded until about noon so I felt like I had the canyon pretty much to myself until then.  I found a nice quiet bench where I spent most of the day reflecting and writing in my journal.  It was good to find some inner peace.  I can't think of a better place to stop, relax, and reflect on life than the Grand Canyon.  Later I met up with the rest of the crew.  The two wack-a-doo's that RAN (yup, RAN) rim-to-rim-to-rim that day left at 2:00a and beat Kim and Roy back!  14.5 hours for them to go I think 35 miles.  That's just nuts!  Love them, but whoa...  wack-a-doo!    We all got cleaned up and met to go to dinner.  Pizza and beer - I don't know how I did it, but I enjoyed every bite and every sip!  Totally worth the reprocussions later.    The next day the wack-a-doos were barely moving and slow to rise so Roy and I beat them to breakfast.  We relaxed for a little while then loaded the car to head home.  The weekend made me feel human again.  I walked more in those 3 days than I have in the past 2 months combined.  It felt good.  The sun was shining, the air was clean and crisp, and I found peace.

Sending you all a little peace and love today!

xoxo - Sarah

"You can do this!" - I can hear the little voice in my head repeat those 4 simple words over and over again... "you can do this"...  Sometimes it's a whisper, but sometimes it's a scream that needs to be heard over all the other noise life has thrown at me.  It's that voice that encourages me and keeps me moving forward.  One foot in front of the other, baby steps at times and giant leaps at others.  "You can do this". 

There have been a lot of times when I feel at my worst and this thing gets me down and that's when the little voice has the biggest impact.  It reminds me that I'm stronger than this, that I have within me the courage and the conviction to get through this. "You can do this".  It would be so easy to slip into a deep dark place during all of this, to allow myself to succumb to the dark cloud that comes with cancer...  but that little voice "you can do this" keeps me looking toward the light.  I guess this is a voice that has always been there, pushing me along.  Encouraging me to try harder, do better, keep striving for more.  It helped me build my career, it helped me through tough times, it helped me become the person that I am today with 4 simple words.  It's helped my find my inner superhero!

Yesterday was chemo day.  My labs came back not in normal ranges but good enough for chemo again.  My WBC count went down a little from last week along with my RBC and HGB numbers.  But it is still higher than my major crash a few weeks ago.  I still need to be careful to not do too much or be around too many people as I can easily get sick - which I do not need on top of all of this!  Ugh!

Drip... drip... drip... as I watch the poison dripping into my IV line each week I find it amazing that this is the best way to fight this disease, this beast.  That after all these years of research the medicine is actually killing me.  Yesterday's chemo was tough.  It was a long day, started at 8:00a and didn't get out until about 5:00p.  And this one hit me hard!  I was nauseas right away.  I came home and crashed.  But I had restlessness like you wouldn't believe - in fact I'm still fighting it today.  It's like I'm tired and I want to rest but sitting still is driving me insane.  My body feels like it just needs to keep moving, don't stop, like I need to be in fast forward all day - but I know I'm tired at the same time.  So frustrating - "you can do this".  Sigh. 

Today Roy and I met with Dr. Borst (my oncologist) for a follow up.  Not much to report really because we won't know anything until the final PET Scan.  We did find out that the final scan will not be done until the last week of June.  Hurry up... so we can wait some more!  My last radiation treatment is June 2nd so he wants to wait a few weeks for all treatments to take full effect before running the PET Scan.  Then I will follow up with him on June 29th for the final results.  "You can do this!"  Fingers crossed that it shows no evidence of disease (NED).  If the results are NED I will follow up every 3 months for check ups and PAP tests with PET Scans every 6 months.  The goal is to go 2 years with NED!  If the PET Scan at the end of the month shows that disease is still apparent we will start looking for clinical trials to start.  But, I'm determined to believe that the results will be NED.  Last week I had a full exam with my radiologist and he gave me the good news that the area seemed less full - for now I'm hanging on to that and fighting this with everything I've got - "YOU CAN DO THIS!"

I am happy to report that I only have one more chemo treatment left - YAY - one more!!!!  I can't believe I've made it this far already.  Sometimes the days were creeping by while others (I think I slept through) went flying by.  As I mentioned my last radiation is June 2nd so I'm nearing the finish line.  I just keep looking toward that light at the end of all of this and running as hard as I can toward it.  I'm looking forward to getting back to work.  I really miss everyone!  And I miss the challenges and interactions.  I've always given myself 100% to my career and to not have that in my life has been tough.  I really do miss it.  And I get to come back to a whole new role which I am very excited about starting.  I'll still be in the world of the web but I'll be managing our internal web platform and applications.  This is an area of our web that has been neglected over the years due to lack of manpower and funding....  but I'm hoping to give it the overhaul it's been in desperate need of over the next year and a half!  It's almost sick how excited I am to get my hands dirty in this project. 

Well we have something to look forward to this weekend.  Roy and I are driving up to the Grand Canyon for the weekend.  We have some friends that are going to hike rim to rim to rim in a day (yeah, wack-a-doos!).  So Roy and one of the other spouses decided to go to the river and back in a day.  And I decided that I can sit at the Grand Canyon as easily as I can sit here so I'm in for the adventure.  Weekends are my best feel-good times and we were able to get rooms right on the rim so I can easily just go back to the room for a nap if I get too tired.  It seems like a good place to stop and reflect on life.  And it's a good break from the every day. 

I hope I have inspired some of you to find your own little voice in your head - listen to it.  Let it help you get through rough days.  Let it help you keep smiling and brush away the dark clouds that sometimes linger overhead.  "You can do this!"

xoxo - Sarah

Roy and I enjoyed a nice weekend with family.  His mom and grandma came in town to spend the weekend with us and to keep me company in chemo yesterday.  My mom joined us for brunch on Sunday and spent the afternoon together.  It was a beautiful weekend. 

My blood work came back good for chemo on Monday.  Unfortunately they are still not in the normal range so I will need to continue with the Neupogen shots to avoid another crash.  I'm not looking forward to starting those up again today... sigh.  But, if it helps get me through this then I'll suck it up and do what I have to do.  Damn it cancer sucks!  My stomach has been an absolute mess.  I spend hours at a time in the bathroom.  It seems that it only take a meal a matter of minutes to go right through me anymore - it does not encourage eating.  Yesterday during chemo my stomach turned on me - made the day much harder.  But it gave me the opportunity to talk to the nurses about it.  They told me to eat a few bites of things throughout the day rather than trying to sit down and eat a meal.  They also told me things to try to eat: bananas, rice, broth, crackers, peanut butter...  things that will maybe help my tummy retain some nutrients.  Yesterday was the longest day of chemo yet 8:00a - 4:00p and it hit me the hardest.  I slept a little when we first got home  I came down to join everyone for dinner.  I ate about a half a cup of white rice and was in the bathroom about 30 minutes later.  I felt awful.  I'm also starting to find it harder to get to sleep.  Last night I was so tired but when I layed in bed I tossed and turned for hours.  It's like my body won't relax, I think I finally understand what "restless legs" means.  It's not fun.  Today has been a better day so far.  I woke up extremely nauseas, took a pill and a piece of toast and am feeling better.  I made myself a fruit, protien smoothie this morning that came out pretty good: 2 bananas, strawberry yogurt, strawberry carnation instant breakfast, vanilla protien (2 scoops), ice and a little water.  Mmmm mmmm good!  But, it's going to take me all day to drink it. 

It was so nice to have Roy's mom and grandma out for a few days.  They did so much for us while they were here, cooking meals, cleaning up, and lots of smiles.  I'm lucky to have such wonderful family surrounding me through this - I couldn't do it without them.

Today I have radiation treatment and an appointment with the radiologist - I know we won't really know if this is working until the end, but I'm hopeful that he can give me a glimpse of hope today.  Then I am getting my first Neupogen shot of the week.  Here's hoping this week gets better!    Just have to keep on smiling and pushing through....  xoxo

Today is the halfway mark! Yay!  My treatment is halfway done! Phew!  Only 4 more weeks to go... I think I can, I think I can... 

The Neupogen shots have been an experience that I hope I don't have to go through again.  On Wednesday when I went in for my second (of three) shot I told the nurse about my headache, she said she'd look into it and see if there is something I can take to relieve the pain.  Another nurse came over and explained that I am in the 7% - ok, really? Another thing that I'm in the unfortunate few category? Talk about bad luck! - anyway, I'm in the 7% of people who experience skull pain.  Yeah, SKULL PAIN! Let me tell ya, that's not something you want to experience. So she said it's not a headache it's actual bone pain in your head.  And, unfortunately, there's not a lot they can do about it.  I was told to take a Claritin and an Aleve once a day for 5 days.  I found that it relieved some of the pain and made it more managable.

As a follow up to my last update - I did it!  I shaved my head!  I'm not completely bald (yet), I'm kind of at the "GI Jane" stage.  It's not something I would ever choose to do, but it's not as bad as I was anticipating.  My ears don't stick out funny.  My head isn't too big -  seriously, that was my biggest fear that my head would be disproportionate to my body... but it's not   It's strange because I'm losing all my hair, not just the stuff on top of my head.   My eyebrows are thinning out and I'm losing eyelashes too.  It's pretty weird, but there are benefits too.  It takes me 5 minutes when I get out of the shower to be ready to go.  It's a lot cooler and summer is coming on fast (100 degrees today).  But, I am still losing it, so I think it will be "Mr. Clean" bald in the next few weeks.  I know there are a few pools out there betting on what my "new" hair will be: curly, straight, blonde, brown, gray, thick, thin...  ??? 

My appetitle comes and goes.  I have lost some weight but it's more of a rollercoaster loss/gain which is allowing me to kind of maintain.  My stomach is doing ok.  It seems to be ok during the day and then go wonky in the evening - poor Roy.  I'm eating a lot of small meals throughout the day and loading up on proteins.  So far it's helping my stomach a little... I think?

Today I went in for labwork to see how the WBC and ANC counts are. No word yet, fingers crossed. Since we don't know yet I've been staying in my germ-free bubble.  I'm not allowed to have fresh flowers in my bubble so Roy sent a message to everyone letting them know - by the way, this is a temporary thing...  I miss the fresh flowers in the house  Knowing this, one of my friends sent me a cookie flower bouquet.  Great idea - the cookies are shaped like flowers, decorated with bright icing, and arranged in a basket like flowers.  So clever... and yummy!  Whoever came up with that business idea is a genius, I mean how hard is that?  Oh, and the fruit baskets that look like flowers, those are awesome... another great busienss idea.  Hmmmm....  I've got to put on my thinking cap and come up with my next big business idea....  (the Jeopardy theme song is now playing in my head)... 

Hope everyone is doing well and having a great weekend!  To all my mom friends out there enjoy your day!  Let others do for you on Sunday, go to the spa, eat cake, have fun! xoxo